Boundaries Explored

I recently met with Tim Tedder to discuss affairs in various relationship structures on his podcast, Affair Healing. It was a lovely discussion and nice to be able to educate on similarities and differences about boundaries in all relationship structures.

The first question he posed to me, when he first asked me to be on his podcast was “Are boundaries in relationship subjective or objective?” Specifically, he was referring to what constitutes cheating and boundary crossings. He had noted that, from his perspective and the perspective of many of the people he had worked with, the answer is an easy “objective,” as he tends to work with monogamous couples. Where, in my mind, my answer was that boundaries are subjective. I was thinking about how in different relationship structures, and even different types of ENM, the boundaries are different for the people involved.

An obvious boundary that differs is that in monogamous relationships, additional sexual and/or romantic relationships are not allowed and to engage in such would be a violation of the relationship agreement. Just because ENM relationships allow for additional relationships though does not mean that there cannot be boundary crossings and breeches of relationship agreements. The boundaries may not be as obvious or may look different with different partners, so it is important to truly know expectations.

It is important for you to analyze your boundaries and needs and communicate those with partners.

Common boundaries to consider are:

•      Safe sex practices

  o   Are condoms or other safe sex essentials required for all sexual interactions? When in a relationship might this change? How do you need to communicate and be communicated with relating to safe sex practices?

•    Expectations for communication

  o   What do you want communication to look like in each relationship? Are you in contact with other partners while spending time with one partner?

• Expectations for details

  o   At what point in the courting process do you want to be informed or inform your partner about additional relationships? Do you want to know information about dates or experiences your partner/s are having with others?

•   Expectations for time

  o   How often are you and your partner/s spending time together? What do overnights look like?

• Relationship structures

  o   Is there a hierarchy? If so, at what point do other relationships get priority? What do relationships look like with your partner’s partners?

Of course, this list of boundaries is not all inclusive but a good jumping point to think about. Also, boundaries may change depending on the relationship. For example, the mechanic and I may have different timelines of wanting to know about potential budding relationships than the mechanic has with the gardener.

Take some time to consider what boundaries may be most important to you and dig deeper. What are some of the underlying values you carry that make those boundaries so important? Understanding that will help with communicating with partners. Stay tuned for the next blog on communication tips related to boundaries and needs!