The Daycare Debacle

Finding and picking a daycare is a monumental task for any new parent. I felt like I was doing it in hard mode.

              Choosing a daycare can feel like such an overwhelming decision for parents. Will the baby be there full time? What level of accreditation does the daycare follow? What is their food program? What is the kid-to-teacher ratio? How long is the waitlist? All of these questions and more run through parents’ minds. And there are more to consider as poly and/or LGBTQ+ parents.

              We live in a rural area, so the daycare options in our town are ministry-based or home-based. There are so many advantages to home-based daycares and that close-knit environment. However, knowing little nugget will likely have some neurodivergent learning curves, we wanted a more structured environment to help them in a variety of ways. There are several larger towns, about 30 minutes away, that have larger daycare systems, but the commute alone with our schedules would be tough.

              Regardless, we arranged for tours of the local ministry daycare (after confirming we did not need to be active members of the congregation prior to joining), and several commercial daycares in the neighboring towns. Starting off, I was met with what most new parents face; a variety of reactions. When I called to arrange the tour, I was letting each place know we would likely be starting little nugget there in January of 2026. A few places were grateful for the advanced warning (I made these calls in late March). However, a few were aghast I waited so long. One place even made a passing comment that I should have called when we started trying to conceive. For someone who had trouble conceiving and a miscarriage, this comment did not land well for me, and I am sure many moms with similar experiences would echo shared sentiments.

              Once the tours were scheduled, the discussions of what to say began. Do we tell them we are poly? Do we just say we accept all lifestyles and hope they do too? Do we tell them I am a *whispers* sex therapist? There was a part of me that was so adamant we had to say something and the gardener agreed. My rationale was that I did not want to hide anything, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. However, I noticed my willingness changed slightly considering these conversations with the ministry daycare versus the commercial ones. I hated to admit that that made a difference for me, but it did. The mechanic reminded me we don’t need to have these conversations right away and in the end we decided to not say anything up front. When asked about my career, I answered honest but brief, that I was a clinical psychologist.

              Our first visit was to the local ministry daycare. The director was lovely and walked us through not only the infant room but the whole facility so we could see how our child could grow with them. Naturally, religion in the curriculum came up, and she told us they preach the values of kindness to all and that is what is highlighted if anything in the lessons. This seemed like a check in my book! They may be accepting of us. The tours with the commercial daycares were mixed. One seemed like they could not be bothered to answer questions or provide many details. The other would be lovely but was a long commute and had a waitlist anticipated for mid-2026.

              On the car rides home, I asked the mechanic if we did the right thing not disclosing our poly status. For context, in our relationship, I am the overthinker, the people pleaser, the worrier. He is very much the “if they don’t like me, that’s on them” type. Despite my worry, he put me at ease. He said, “They preach kindness for all. Now we get to watch them put that to work.” He went on to explain that our job is to just be ourselves and they get to show us that they practice what they preach.

              So that is what I am going to do. Myself, the mechanic and the gardener will all be picking up the baby from daycare. Little Nugget will be free to refer to us all as they please in private and public. And we will not be ashamed. We do not need to preface or explain ourselves for others’ comfort, which I realized is what I was doing in my need to tell the daycares of our relationship status.

I know I am facing what many of us in the community are. Despite publicity in recent media and more representation, ENM is still highly stigmatized and viewed as less than monogamy. Even individuals engaging in ENM rate themselves less favorable than if they were monogamous. Society and expectations condition this mindset and it is hard to break free of that.

              To all my ENM parents and individuals out there:

·       Our choice is valid

·       We are not less than because we chose to break the societal mold of monogamy

·       We are just as valid as partners and parents.

Stay tuned for how our poly journey in the daycare system turns out!