The Battle of the Paint Swatches

What do you do when you and your partner/s don’t see eye to eye? I am starting with a comical example to illustrate an issue people face in all types of relationships.

Here at Enrichment Acres, we have been working hard to get the farm ready for little nugget. In general, we love sharing the farm with people, so guests are common. With little nugget taking over one of the guest rooms, we figured it was time to expand and have been working on adding three more bedrooms to the basement. Although the gardener calls the farm home as well, this remodel was going to give her a full space of her own, and we were all very excited for that.

Now, for the battle. I may be a relatively stubborn person (so I am told). My décor taste falls into the stereotype of “millennial grey”, and I have created an aesthetic of farm chic with greys, whites, and blues. So of course, I had a big 5-gallon bucket of grey paint already ready as a possibility for the basement walls. The gardener named she wanted color for walls, and I jokingly said, “no pink.” Well, she had a vision, a beautiful vision of pinks, golds, and sunset vibes for her space.

Cue standoff. Okay, not really. The room is the gardener’s to do with what she pleases, and her artistic vision and sense of comfort is what is most important. Do I love the pink? No. But in this case it doesn’t matter.

However, how do you handle bigger disagreements over things deeper than paint colors? It is natural for people in relationships to disagree and even more common when there are additional people and relationships to consider. Combining lives together is a challenge, and also a beautiful thing.

Here is some suggestions to navigate potential conflicts in combining lives and homes:

1.      Focus on Shared Values

Often times, part of what attracts us to partners and people is the values and connections we hold in common. Zooming out from the specific issues we are frustrated about allows space for us to see what is important. In this example, we disagreed about paint colors. Zooming out, this highlighted the shared value of creativity.  The gardener and I both value creative expression and paint was just a manifestation of that value. In the end, the paint does not matter, and the fact the gardener can use her creative expression is what matters. What values are underneath the issue that you are disagreeing with that can help you put the moment into perspective?

2.      Approach Differences with Curiosity

This is a helpful tip for all relationships. When you find yourself in a place of disagreement with another, pause, take a deep breath, and tap into your curiosity. Rather than being upset the gardener picked the one color I asked her not to, it was important to learn more about her vision for the room. In doing so, she highlighted a plan for a mural she wanted to create.

3.      Use “I feel” Statements

In communication, it is important to come from your own perspective and to emphasize feelings over actions to reduce defensiveness. Before I approached the gardener with curiosity, I had been teasing of her choice of colors. A statement from her of “I felt hurt when you made fun of the paint I picked” could have opened the door of understanding for me of how she was feeling and how my jests were not helpful to the overall situation.

Conflict and disagreement are natural in relationships. How we navigate them can make all the difference! Future blog articles will also explore communication techniques and conflict resolution in more detail.