A Direct Comparison
As humans, we have the tendency to live and think in comparison. We compare apples to oranges, tomatoes to tomatoes (yes, I hope you read that right), the past to the present, and ourselves to everyone else. Comparisons are built into society and natural. We can look across a group of people and compare ourselves size-wise and make snap personality comparisons (introvert vs. extrovert, anyone?). We get assigned grades for assignments as young children and begin to make comparisons to each other based on achievement. Social media has made it so we have even more comparisons at our fingertips.
As a recovering perfectionist and achievement driven person, comparisons used to serve me well. Personal reflection and therapy has helped me focus more on my own values as a foundation and allowed me to not take comparisons so personally. But, I am human, and comparisons never end.
Polyamory, and especially polyamory during pregnancy, has held a magnifying glass to struggles with comparison. When your partner has other partner/s, how can you not? Are they prettier/more handsome than me? Are they funnier than me? Do they have a higher libido or different sexual interests than me? As your partner shares their experiences with other partners, or you meet your metamors, it may be easy to make comparisons.
Me to You
When the gardener and the mechanic’s relationship deepened, it was hard not to make comparisons. I tend to be a bit more of an impulsive person, where the gardener is more intentional. Did the mechanic no longer view my impulsiveness as charming and adventurous? I know the gardener and I have had in depth conversations about comparisons she has made as well. I have relatively public and thrill-seeking hobbies with my racing, and she confessed to wondering if she was boring in comparison. Spoiler alert: the gardener is far from boring. We are both just different, and that’s okay.
Also, the opposite has happened. Sometimes people will confuse me with the gardener or visa-versa. And, although the rational thought is I am honored to be compared to someone as wonderful as her, the emotional thought is, how could they, we are nothing alike. Either way we fall on the double-edge sword of comparison, we are both unique individuals.
Pregnancy has been a unique addition to the comparison equation for me as well. As my body grows and changes and I feel less comfortable in it, it is hard not to compare myself to the gardener and her current health journey. Throughout pregnancy, I have noticed my social batteries draining more quickly. When we are all out with friends, it is hard not to focus on how drained I feel compared to everyone else’s bubbliness. Additionally, my spoons are much less than they used to be. For reference, a “spoon” is the measure of mental and physical energy we have on a given day, and this is a finite resource. If we over-expend the number of spoons we have one day, we are borrowing from the possible spoons that might be available for the next. Running the homestead truly is a group effort that takes spoons from all of us, and it is hard not to negatively compare what I am capable of helping with to what everyone else does. At the end of the day, I don’t have the spoons during this pregnancy I had hoped I would and that has been a challenge. I am the weed-wacker of the family, while the mechanic mows and the gardener helps the garden flourish, so asking for help with my assigned chore feels like an additional ego hit. And although everyone understands, the direct comparison makes it hard to not see myself as less capable.
However, this journey has taught me a lot. Everyone is a unique individual. Focusing on strengths and values I hold dear has allowed me to ground myself and shield from some of the weight of comparisons. Everyone has different abilities and capacities and as a team, we get to lift each other up when one of us needs it. It is okay for my partner’s to pick up some weight when I don’t have the spoons to weed-wack, just as I do when they need help in other ways.
Then to Now
I think new relationship energy (NRE) comes with mixed feelings for people. It is wonderful to feel the spark of excitement and fuel around getting to know and exploring a connection with another person. Also, it is hard not to compare old and new relationships. Love tends to be more stable and the “butterflies” look different as a relationship transitions from new to consistent and constant.
It may be hard not to compare the excitement of a new partnership with the continuity of a stable relationship. Fun first dates get replaced with home remodel projects and shared errands. The reminder is both have their value and hold special places in our heart. Whether you are experiencing multiple different relationships or viewing partners doing the same, a reminder of each relationship’s value is important to put into perspective and minimize negative comparisons.
Making comparisons about phases of life are easy to do too. Jana Kramer (love to all my OTH fans out there) has a song called “I Got the Boy” that stands out to me in this instance. She sings about seeing that a former partner has gotten married and she reflects on their memories as teens together, versus what she imagines he is like as an adult in his marriage. Although this song is written about monogamy, I find it resonates with different phases of life we meet partners in.
I met the mechanic when I was 19-years-old and he was in his mid-20s. We were children both figuring out who we were and what we wanted from life. His impulsivity, “burn down the world” (for me) attitude, and cheeky arrogance were a magnet for me. And, we both had a lot of growing to do. Together we trudged through the beautifully ugly phases of turning from a girl and a boy to a man and a woman.
The mechanic and the gardener met each other in their 30s. Both had established careers, solid future plans, and a fully developed prefrontal cortex. The version of the mechanic the gardener fell in love with was a totally different version than I got. Their relationship had a very different foundation to ours. It was hard not to feel a little bitter that she did not have to go through the rough emotional maturing phases that I did. It felt like, I started with the boy, and she gets the man.
However, on the flip-side, the mechanic and I had 10 years of memories when he met the gardener. Despite the new memories they were creating, history was on my side and that was tough. We have built the homestead together and the gardener has been pivotal in the growth of our current dream home. Regardless of how great that feels, I was the one with him when he first left his home town. We entered into relationships at different phases of life and that is amazing but can also have pain points.
As mentioned before, there is no way to avoid comparisons. They even sometimes serve good purposes. However, it is okay to pause and think when we notice comparisons are negatively impacting us and how we view relationships. When facing comparisons, here are some possible takeaways:
· Focus on your strengths: You are a unique and amazing individual who has a lot to offer. Multiple partner’s does not diminish your value or how you shine and show up in your relationships.
· Energy is a resource: As a person, you only have so much energy to spend in a given day. Our partners are there to lift us up, so it is okay to lean on them when energy is low and not take that personally.
· Relationships are Valuable in all Stages: Having NRE in a new relationship does not diminish the value of previous relationships. Each relationship serves a purpose and has importance and value.
· Focus on the present: All people have histories and stories. It is important to honor the values our histories have and also enjoy the present with all our partners.
