“I think I need to Talk to Someone.”
I want to preface this blog by saying not all therapists are created equal and not every modality and style is a good fit for everyone. It is important to find a therapist that works for you, and you feel comfortable with, if you choose to go to therapy for any reason.
Beginning or being in the middle of your poly journey can be an exciting time. It can also be isolating. Although you may be exploring different types of relationships with different people, it can feel lonely at times. A variety of feelings about yourself, your partners, potential other partners, and possible metamours are common and can feel confusing. Going to therapy does not mean there is something wrong, or does not invalidate your experiences, identities, or choices. It is a space to grow, learn, and find contentment or peace.
As a psychologist myself, I have been in therapy throughout my adult life and own poly journey. It wasn’t easy finding a therapist who was a good fit for me personality-wise (I needed someone kind but not afraid to ask the hard questions) and was accepting of ENM. Despite having to try out a few, finding one who is a good fit for me has been invaluable to my growth.
Therapy can be beneficial for you as an individual, you and a partner, or you and partners. Below are some possible areas of exploration in therapy that could be helpful:
Topics to Explore in Individual Therapy
· Identity exploration: Polyamory or ENM can be an identity shift for many people. Having a space to process personal identity pieces and meaning with potential communities and identities can allow for a sense of fulfillment. Sexual identity is also an area of exploration. Engaging in ENM may allow for further exploration of sexual identities, kink identities, or other sexual preferences. Having a space to discuss the journey can create a sense of confidence and all you to process potential feelings of shame that may arise.
· Values: Values exploration is important at any time in life, and may be even more so as you explore polyamory. Values are the foundation for how we want to live our life and allow us to direct behavior in a way that is attuned to our values. Reflecting on our values can help us know how we want to navigate through possible poly relationships and life in general.
· How You Show Up in Relationships: Are you a recovering people-pleaser? Do you overthink every word of a conversation or interaction? Do you find yourself always preparing an offense or defense in any conversation? We all have different tendencies and habits that arise in relationships. It is important to reflect on how we show up and the things that bring out our best and growth edges.
· Attachment Patterns: Early attachment provides the foundation for future relationships. Understanding our type of attachment, things that create ruptures for us based on our attachment style, and how to increase secure attachment allows us to further understand how we move through the world and relationships. This information can be so helpful when we are exploring different relationships with partners as it increases our ability to understand and communicate needs.
Topics to Explore in Relationship Therapy:
Relationship therapy can be between two people or multiple members of poly dynamics. Not all therapists are trained in couples or relationship therapy so make sure to find one who is and who is open and accepting of poly dynamics.
· Communication: Communication is how we are able to connect to one another. Learning effective ways to communicate can help us navigate through difficult situations. We can learn the best ways to attune to our partner/s, name how we are feeling in a moment, and validate the experience our partner/s are trying to name. People often joke about the effectiveness of “I feel” statements but “I feel like you are being a jerk” and “I felt hurt when you were on your phone while I was trying to tell you about my day” are vastly different and open two different doors for communication.
· Relationship Cycles: Every relationship follows a cycle and pattern. Relationships often follow an infinity loop-like cycle when negative interactions occur where our actions, emotions, and thoughts feed off of and trigger our partner/s’. Taking time to understand the relationship cycle and the role each person plays allows for a deeper understanding and more space to break the cycle.
· Boundaries and Negotiations: All relationships have boundaries and expectations; they just might not always be explicitly talked about. Therapy can be a great space to process boundaries and the underlying needs that are driving the desire for the boundary. We can feel heard and establish potential boundaries to direct behavior in poly relationships. Additionally, potential boundary crossings can be processed as a unit.
Of course I would be one to advocate for therapy. But truly, therapy can be highly beneficial for yourself and partners. If you are looking for a therapist, consult with your insurance to see what providers might be in network. Psychology Today is a great place to search for local therapists based on your insurance and presenting needs. Research types of therapy that may be beneficial and resonate with you. Some people love cognitive behavioral therapy, others want to focus more on attachment, and others want to process existential feelings that arise. All are wonderful, you just need the right therapist to be a guide. There are a variety of styles of relationship therapy as well so find one that resonates with you, your partner/s and your needs.
Therapy is a great steppingstone to a person’s journey, and I hope you are able to feel more comfortable thinking about the possibilities.
